An Emotional Day
June 6, 2010
I find it rather interesting how emotions work, or at least how they work for me … the way it usually works for me is in waves. There are days or weeks when everything will be fairly uneventful, no big emotional events to speak of, but then a wave will crash down and everything becomes an emotional mess. Today seemed to be the start of one of those waves.
My uncle passed away this morning. He’s been battling stage 4 lung cancer since November and lost that battle today. It was time – he was suffering and it’s what was best – but obviously it’s still a very sad event. What is interesting is that when I found out I didn’t feel much of anything. I’m not sure whether I was numb or just hadn’t put two and two together, but I made it through most of the day without so much as a tear. However, I spent the evening with my best friend and in the middle of our relaxing evening, I burst into tears. It honestly came out of nowhere and I cried harder than I have in a very long time.
And have you ever had one of those moments where you’re crying about one thing, and then you start thinking about something else and that makes you cry even harder? It’s like a chain of events type of thing.
Well, in the midst of letting out my sadness about my uncle, I started thinking about my best friend who was there consoling me. He’s such an incredible person and proved again tonight how much of a support system he is for me. So, in the midst of crying on his shoulder I began thinking about how hard it is going to be to leave him for 27 months. I really hate to say it but of everyone I’m leaving behind, family included, he is the one I am most sad about being away from. I think it’s because I know my family will definitely be there when I get back – you can’t really get away from family 🙂 but, my friend and I have been through some pretty interesting places with regard to our relationship and I worry that things will change for us while I’m gone … and his friendship is the sole friendship in my life that I really do not want to see change.
I talked to him about it tonight, and he says that of the two of us he should be the one who is worried. He says my concerns of him meeting someone, getting a new job, finding a new place to live, and moving on without leaving a place for me in his life is unwarranted. He says in reality he should be worried that this experience is going to change me and that I’m going to come back a completely different person … I guess he has a legitimate point there. I guess I’m just not ready to face the fact that this decision is most definitely going to change our friendship whether I like it or not …
So tonight has been emotional to say the least, and for whatever reason I feel like the emotional wave isn’t done yet. I can’t explain it, I just feel like there is still a bit more to come … I’m preparing myself.
One final thought … it’s interesting how everything in life is now funneled through what I like to call the “Peace Corps Perspective”. After you apply for the PC, it’s like everything you think about is now in the context of the Peace Corps and how it relates. I feel like everything I think about whether it be friends, job, etc., or what I’m going to do tomorrow or next week is all in the context of the PC … Should I get a summer job? Well, it would help save money for PC … Should I go on that blind date next weekend? Well, do you really want to start dating if you’re going to ship out in a few months? … What should I do this weekend? Well, if you’re leaving in October you should definitely try and hang out with your friends and family as much as you can.
It’s weird that in a matter of two weeks everything I am doing has a PC spin … I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I have a feeling it’s not something that is going to go away anytime soon.
I guess that’s it for tonight … a bit scattered to say the least. As I said earlier, it’s been an emotional evening. Time for sleep.